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    17 August

    It's a bit convoluted! (really? Not like me!)

     Well it started when Argos didn't collect Mum's old fridge when they should have. This led to me complaining long, often and loud and eventually they coughed up some vouchers by way of apology for her inconvenience. This meant that Mum and I were going for a trip to Argos to get her a new phone, a CORDLESS one! After a few false starts we got that sorted with BT "Big Button" jobby. Nice and simple so all is well. (or so it seemed) This was last Tuesday. On Thursday I saw a missed call on my mobile, it was from Mum. (she Never Ever calls my mobile) I tried to return the call, she was engaged: tried on and off all day to get her, engaged every time. By the time I got home after work I was getting a bit concerned so I called the Cops! Explained the situation and was very pleased to hear that they would call me back, which they did in about 20 minutes. No reply from the door, can't see in cos she got nets etc do I want them to break in? Aarrgh! Erm......... No I will come down there. (50 miles back the way I just came) 30 miles later I got a call from the cops " She is fine, she just got off the coach outside her house" Thank god for that, where had she been? She had been on a day trip to Weston super Mare, that's where I live!!!
     
    Don't ask why she called me, she just kept saying "I didn't press any buttons, I just took it off the charger" It was "off the hook" all day. I stayed the night anyway (I was too bleedin knackered to do anythin else! After a dreadful night cos I forgot me sleepin pills, I left at about 4.45 this morning to go to work and stopped at a 24 hour lay-by caravan thingy just next to the M5. I had never seen it in the dark before; please conjure up a picture of the following scene. A lay-by with an open serving hatch type caravan wiv a bloke in it. Nice chap, had a chat while my soss and eggs were cookin up, when it was all done I took the paper plate and walked towards my motor when I saw the following tableau. 3 wooden tables straddling the kerbstones and the lay-by. Each one with a clean blue and white gingham pattern table cloth, one of them was under one of those "Tent like gazebo thingies" which was strung with lights, a selection of plastic chairs was present and as my gaze dropped to the edge of the verge, I saw two small flower beds with little bits and pieces in em and a mirror?  Two little feeding bowls had been fashioned out of wood for bread crumbs for the burdeez and a sign had been written which said  the immortal words "Fag ends don't grow!" How surreal was that at 5 am???
    Oh and where was the Gypsy violinist then? Cheapskates! hehehehe
    10 August

    Any old excuse will do Mom!

     
     

    It's a sad sad thing when a parent can't rite proper.

     

     These are real notes written by parents in an Atlanta school district. Spellings have been left Intact.


    1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take

     PE today. Please execute him. (Amen to that!)


     

    2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick

     And I had her shot.

    ( well sometimes it's the kindest way)


     

     3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on

     Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

    (Why?)


     

     4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is

     Administrating. (Poor girl!)


     

     5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days.

     Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

    (I know I had it here somewhere)


     

     6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken

     Out of his face.

    (where else would ya put em?)


     

     7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing

     Football. He was hurt in the growing part.

    ( hope it wasn't growing at the time!)


     

     8. Megan could not come to school today because she

     Has been bothered by very close veins.

    (they are such a bother aren't they? Well spaced veins are so much less troublesome)


     

    9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in

     His side.

    (If your gonna have an acre that's the place for it to be!))


     

    10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very

     Loose vowels.

    ( Learn to speak Polish, they don't use vowels!)


     

    11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday.

     She had diahre dyrea Direathe the shits.

    (Ah well thats cleared that up then!)


     

    12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He

     Had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

    (That reminds me of the time.... no, another day; I don't think the world is quite ready for that one yet. Well I certainly wasn't anyway!)


     

    13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his

     Bust.

    (Well where did he see it last?)


     

    14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's Fault.

    (standard female attitude, hehehe)


     

    15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas

    Shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

    (Just go for XXL, it's probably gonna fit!)


     

    16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school  Yesterday.

    We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the  Porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

    (*uck me!)


     

    17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We

     Have to attend her funeral.

    (Well thats pretty conclusive then)

    18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was

     Tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

    (What all of them!? No wonder she was tired!)


     

    19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He

     Had a cold and could not breed well.

    ( A cold what exactly?)


     

    20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She

     Was in bed with gramps.

    (I aint got anythin to say about this, Mm Mm)


     

    21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a

    Gangover.

    (Wasn't the Marines was it?)


     

    22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under

    The doctor.

    ( Mm Mm )


     

    23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had

     A fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her

     Sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her

     Brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I

     Wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There

     Must be something going around, her father even got

     Hot last night.

    (The devil is in the details eh? Poor Bubba only had a low grade fever)

     

    So HTF is everyone? gettin your respective asses sunburned? Send pictures please! (No horrors please!) hehehe

     

    Well if anyone is out there today, Helloooooo. If not, let that be a lesson to you!


     
     
    01 August

    A funny TRUE story

     G'day mates! A funny thing happened in the midst of the incredible chaos that is the working day for the old Dodgemeister these days. A new agency lady from parts foreign, was taking a pallet of stuff to pick in the wrong area. After trying without success to explain where she should have been taking it a colleague spotted a long standing chap also from parts foreign and asked him if would be so kind as to translate for the lady what was required. After a brief (and meaningless) exchange with the lady he said "sorry I can't, she speaks a foreign language" I howled at this. there was the initial assumption that because she was foreign, another foreigner would understand her, simply by dint of the fact that he was also foreign! (One was from Lithuania and the other from Poland.) It was rather like the "If they don't understand you, say it LOUDER!" I was in tears and had to go away for a while to calm myself. Did you know that there is a big Hoo Ha going on about a stretch of motorway between Poland and Lithuania which it seems is upsetting the greens and the EU ( welcome aboard, hehehe) The Rospuda Valley is apparently a bog wiv speshul mud and everythin and dirty great roads goin froo it aint what the doctor ordered! So there, now you know. Astound your friends with your nollij of woss goin on an that. Hope you like the pix, the odd workshoppy ones were an old wheelrights place a couple of days before it was all auctioned off. Good luck to him and his missus on the narrow boat they now call home!