Dodgeys Bits & Pieces

So Stan and I were enjoying a brief interlude in our obviously very busy schedule. We were in the delivery area, where large trucks bring deliveries all day long and were discussing tactics to improve the efficiency  of the operation. (sort of thing, yes well anyway) As a van passed over a large drain cover ( we used to call them manhole covers, yes well anyway) this large cast iron cover broke into 4!! The van continued without a problem but we now had a big hole in the yard! We approached said hole and were surprised to see the drop was about 12 feet! Stan bravely stood guard over the hole (they will nick anything, so we took no chances) while I equally bravely set off to fetch the ubiquitous CONES to clearly mark out the hazard while the managers were alerted! I returned, with 4 cones which we placed strategically around the hole, then I stood guard while Stan went off to get the red and white tape to flutter attractively in the breeze surrounding the whole area. He also commented that perhaps if we were to receive any Directorial visits we could tell them the we had put "Bunting out for them!"

As Stan was winding the tape around the cones he commented that it would be just his luck to "walk straight down the hole"  I immediately had a vision of his hat and a ciggy, momentarily suspended in the air, while I continued our conversation, until I heard a splash! I am afraid I am still prone to busting out laughing at this image even now. Various managers appeared with helpful suggestions as to who they might deposit in said hole, after which the tone of the conversation plummeted ( come on, it was 4 blokes ) but enough of that! As I left there was a forklift truck with a huge steel plate to cover the hole ( I had bravely put a pallet over it earlier) so I would imagine that is the end of this saga. I hope some of you will be able to conjure up the cartoon image that came into my head and have provided below a picture of Stan in festive regalia to help this along.   Toodles for now

Yesterday was the birthday of the Bec! So a few of us joined the party out at the farmhouse, to eat too much fabulous REAL HAM, lots of cheese ( from the biggest block I've ever seen on a table) heaps of wonderful home made apple pie (wiv CREAM) and lots of uvver stuff! Not forgetting too much wine and local cider, groan. Across the green we visited the Harvest festival at the farm and got some cheap yoghurt too. (is there a theme developing here?) The sunset was lovely and the company was good, with lots of different characters who had also partaken in the goodies too, so conversation was not stunted! Sam phoned me about 2 hours after he was meant to collect us to take us out there, he had fallen asleep (nothing to do with his new lady I am sure!) So, I took lots of piccies of the immediate surrounding countryside a sample of which I have placed below. All in all a very nice evening was had by all, I am now knackered after a LONG bike ride on the canal path to the Boat and Anchor (about FOUR MILES!!!!!) which rounded off the afternoon. This is by the way, the first Sunday I have not worked for years, it's lovely! Nearly forgot to mention the bloody great roast dinner which was also lovely. (What a lot of lovelies I got!) So without further delay, or indeed unnecessary words, or, yes well 'eres the pix.

Bovine passport details!

Wot do you mean burgers?

"mum, he said bacon!"

Innit nice?

Birthday girl with a real little poppet, ahhhhhhhh. (the raging inferno in the foreground is a birthday cake!)

The farmer and his dogs go for a sunset walk, as the mist settles in, sigh.

More guests arriving, smashing place eh?

There, now onto a theme I had covered at some length previously, namely the spiders! I was out early this morning in the thick mist an snapped some webbage and nice berries an flowers an stuff.

So, wot a nice lot of fings eh? I still haven't been given a nice camera yet, I thought by now some benevolent soul with lots of dosh might have been in touch to offer me last years model Nikon or something but as of now nothin! I can only assume that my benefactor must be on holiday.

Keep smilin (god knows why but what the hell, otherwise you might end up lookin like me!)

Well I don't know if I am still on look list of the folks who dropped by in the past, but if I am I figured it would be nice to show you some views of my new area. I have a canal (which is great, because it's flat!!) an some pretty English countryside. (which probably isn't) I hope you enjoy lookin at em.

Two nice sunsets from my window, I love big skies.

Two sunrises (different days)

Yeah I know the last one should be panoramic but I'm a lazy bugger so they aint! What was a rainy day actually turned out to very pleasant, which is nice. The carved beams are about 14 inches square and 30 feet long, ish, The Navvies (Navigators who carved out this canal by hand all those years ago) were a hard bunch of guys who lived and died making this waterway. I salute them, an amazing achievement! So there you are, I still don't have my DSLR!!!!

(any donations of a nice Canon 450 an a few lenses will be VERY gratefully received!! hehehe)

Keep smilin, Dodge.

In depth interview with Dr Justin Thyme, international expert on creepy crawlies!

Am amazing discovery, which has to date been a closely guarded secret, has left the scientific community in a state of high excitement!

Below is a transcript from my interview with Justin (a close friend and raconteur amongst the jet set of Somerset)

Dodge "Well Justin this certainly is an amazing discovery, what exactly is all the excitement about?"

Justin "It all began a long time ago, when I was cleaning my car"

Dodge "That must have been a while ago!"

Justin "It was"

Dodge "Is it your round then?" 

Justin " Well I bought the last 4!"

Dodge " Well done mate, don't want to change a winning streak eh? Mines a large one!"

Justin "What about the spiders then?"

Dodge " What about em? Ahh yes, please tell all"

Justin " There are whole new generations of spiders, who have made an amazing transformation to what would normally be the natural habitat for them to breed and prosper!"

Dodge " And that would be?"

Justin " Wing Mirrors!!!"

Dodge "Sorry mate it must be this particularly fine ale, I thought you said wing mirrors"

Justin "I did"

Dodge "Spiders have grown wing mirrors??? I know they can zip along at fair old rate but why would they need em?

Justin " No you friggin idiot! They live there!"

Dodge "Who does?"

Justin ( he banged his pint on the table, almost spilling some!)

" The spiders, thousands of generations have been born and bred in the confines of wing mirrors. they spin a web when the car is stationary, usually between the wing mirror and the little rubber bit between the door and the glass. Then nip back inside the mirror and wait for the harvest of bugs as they are driven about!!"

Dodge "Bugger me!"

Justin "Exactly! Much more efficient than hanging of some bush or something, a moveable feast in fact! They never have to leave, just snooze away till the car stops, then nip out and grab the bugs festooned on the web then back inside well fed and undisturbed. With todays cars they even have heaters in the winter, it is an amazing discovery!"

Dodge (at this point I nipped off to have a look at my wing mirrors, do you know, there it was, a web! I gave it a poke and out came the spider! Clocked me and pissed off back in behind the mirror)

Justin "See, I told you!"

Dodge "You certainly did Justin, gosh! So what are the repercussions of this within the scientific community?"

Justin "God only knows mate, but they are clever little buggers aint they?"

Dodge "Look if you lend me 10 quid I will get the next round in, we should celebrate this!"

As if by magic Stan appeared, (see xmas edition for a photo of this elusive and colourful character)

Stan " What ho Dodge, what you drinkin then?"

Dodge "God knows, but mines a large one!"

I'm afraid things got a bit fuzzy from here, but never mind eh? Check your wing mirrors and see if they have moved into your motor!

All enquiries from the scientific community should be posted with money, FAO Dodge, C/O The Pheasant Pluckers Arms, (next door to where the Post box used to be) Somerset.

It's a funny old world innit? The nurse says it's time for my medication now, so I have a rest.

I have no idea why I thought this might be something of interest to anyone, but here it is anyway!

“Roosevelt observed that capitalism is unequally divided riches while socialism is equally divided poverty. Gulag prison life meant an equal distribution of death among the rich and poor, old and young.”

God preserve us from leaders with high visions is all I can add, it usually means that fat cats are going to get fatter and the rest of don't matter. I think I need a rest now!

Rumours of my ultimate demise were of course exaggerated, although various seemingly endless encounters with ISP's stretched my patience to a single strand!! Finally I am restored to the world of naught's and one's  arranged in some meaningful order. I hope all of you guys out there are all ok and that you might enjoy some of the pictures that I rather liked the look of. So without further ado......

Yeah I'm old fashioned, but I love this stuff!                     What would you do with a time machine eh?

Fabulous face.                                                                  Gordon Brown's future!

I can't add to this, it's just beautiful!

Creativity, (an a lot of chainsaw action!)

That is some tree!!! Fabulous colours.

Originality                                                                         What a colour!

WOW!                                                                        Nice oldie

Ahhhhhhhh!                                                                          Whoa!

Great shot, pretty girl, works every time!                      very fast food.

No I still don't have my DSLR yet, all things come to those who wait, one day I will have it, then I will be a shutter monster!! Leave a comment if you like em, if don't like em, keep it to yourself hehehe.

I have been thwarted in so many ways that I aint even going to go there! I went for a walk this morning and took some pictures as I probably won't be going that way again. These are very strange times for me and I can't say that I recommend them at all.

Ominous early morning clouds, completely clear on the right, completely cloud covered on the left

They were both standing in that puddle on one leg each, then I got my camera out, need I say more? Anyway Jemima Puddleduck came to mind at the time.

I think this was an old Motor Torpedo Boat from WWII which was someone's home until a falling out occurred, now it is just gradually falling to bits. Hmmmmmmm.

Mud flats cold and dangerous, we got a hovercraft to rescue silly buggers who try and walk across!

  Like I said, BEWARE holiday makers

A lovely rusty old winch, quietly returning to ground from where it came.

I thought of HAL when I saw this monolith!

Greetings to all,

I have been checking out apartments locally and have found myself in something of a quandary.

I looked on the web and saw various places that were of interest to me at first appearance so I contacted the AGENTS, mmmmmm yes it's Agency time!

How the hell these guys manage to do it!? I found a place which was perfect, 2 bedrooms, right price, right location (in fact perfect location) emailed the agents last night, came home from work expecting emails or phone messages as I had asked to view it. Nothing?

I called the agents, "Ah yes that flat was on for about 1 hour before it was let I am afraid" An hour!!!

Ok, so "What else have you in that area? I have all day tomorrow to view places so what time is best for you?"  " Your kidding me!"

"So you can't make any viewing's tomorrow then? Possibly Thursday??" 

The situation is as follows:-

Nice places go in an hour, but you can't make an appointment for days??????

I called another one, this guy at least sounded helpful, went through some properties, nothing particularly exciting but maybe one? "

I am free tomorrow to view it, what time can you make it?"

"Oh nothing for tomorrow I am afraid, were fully booked for viewing's until Friday "(today is Monday!)

I knew I was onto a loser when I called the third one, I got a girl called Tabatha ( I never knew anyone was actually CALLED Tabatha! )

"Hi I'm interested in your rentals, can you tell me anything about Blah Blah"

Her reply was amazing " Do you have any pets?"

no

"Do you have any bad debts?"

"no they are all good" (hehehe) "Can I see this place tomorrow?"

"Oh no we are short of staff tomorrow, is Thursday any good?"

WTF!!!!

Anyway, here are a couple of piccies for you perusal.

Carly is now legal and on the road again!! YaaaaaYYYY! (Try clampin that fecker!)

Sammo,quietly pleased, so he should be!

I am pleased to tell you that Stan will be home soon (indeed he may even be there now) his pelvis has some small fractures so he can fly after all. I tried to notify the Dominican Republic but nobody was anserin da fone! Hehehe. I think he might be cancellin the skydivin sessions, " I tried flying a couple of days ago, I will stick to planes for that from now on cuz Suzuki's aint so good at it!"

Funny tale, heard it before but it cheered me up so hopefully it should have a similar effect upon yourself?

This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might  need a lift today.
 

Dear Headmaster,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Sandyford Assisted Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you  for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off her bedside table and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that  opportunity.

Sincerely, Edna

Ya gotta love the old folks huh? Bless em.

You will probably be familiar with Stan from my recent piece on "Stanley man about Bridgwater" , he was due to be off in the near future to the Dominican Republic for a holiday and to attend 2 weddings which are happening out there soon.

That was until yesterday, now he is in hospital with general hurtings all over and a broken pelvis!

A car pulled out in front of him and he hit it then took off for an aerial tour without his bike, landing some way away with the broken pelvis causing him some amusement for sure!! Poor bastard, so I am asking you to send your best wishes (or you can just take the piss if you want) myself I signed his card and told him "NO SHAGGING!" (that is sex for those who might have various other connotations for the term)

So get better soon Stan, I miss you so much I am having to take the piss out of Sheffield, man of steel instead!

Mornin!  I went for a little outing this morning and took some pix, I hope you enjoy them. 

As I  stood here I saw that magical "flash of turquoise blue" I didn't know we had  Kingfishers here!

How do they pack so much into that little brown velvet cylinder? Amazing Bulrushes.

A wonderful old Silver Birch, yes I should have cropped out the streetlight! 

Is this great light or what?? Around 8:00am, slightly hazy but still great.

Don't fall in! It's cold and deep. (and frozen too)

Always makes a nice subject, hundreds of years old.

Stacks of old hand made roof tiles, love the patina of green!

Ahhh breakfast! Got the winter coat on too.

Just to give some idea of the strength and capability of the Badger, they dig through this stuff. I put the camera down the hole and hit the button, I couldn't see this detail from outside, amazingly difficult ground!

This is a tale of someone making an assumption and following it through safe in the knowledge that they are doing the right thing!

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car; on closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. Pffffffft!

I had a day off today so I went for an overdue visit to see Mum!

The weather was fabulous, a real spring day with sunshine all day, no wind and it was warm!!  Don't ask me temperatures, I don't do them as a rule.

I took a small diversion from my usual route to see what was around to photograph when Gods critters conspired yet again!  As I drove along a quiet road with fields below me to the left, I saw two Pheasants, both in full glorious plumage, not six feet from the road and in direct sunlight too! Nowhere to pull over and another car up my arse, so no go. A little further along, A beautiful Buzzard eating what looked like a small rabbit in an open field not 10 feet from the road! I had to get this so I turned off and around and drove back, parking in a field entrance. I walked back on the opposite side of the road so as not to scare it, when it suddenly flew straight overhead!!! Goddamn it not again!!!!

Yes again.

The first blossom of the year in a hedgerow.

A Bloon!!

Say hello to Heather!

The first primroses too, in a Hedgerow.

Does this pine look lonesome?

Well that about wraps it for today, those feckin burds beat me again!!!

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,

"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
 
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there."

"When she looks good, I'll go home!" (sorry, it just tickled me that's all)

hehehe, thank you Sambo!

I am sure you all remember Stan, man about Bridgwater. Well here is a small extract of a conversation in which he joined at work.

I am editing a DVD for a friend who's parents went on a Caribbean cruise and got the DVD which was produced by the Ships Photographer. His photo's are pretty good, his video's are the most boring thing in the world.  2 hours long!!!! I am tasked with reducing this to a much more watchable 30 minutes or so.

So I have asked Ness (who is the lady with the DVD) how I will know what bits to keep and what to bin?  She told me that somebody or other from a big soap is there and showed me  a picture of her (or indeed hers, I wont forget those in a hurry!)  it was at this point the Stan arrived, I said "I know what your Mum and Dad look like, I know what whoever it was looks like, is there anyone else I should keep an eye out for?"  "Oh yes "she said  "Tessa Sanderson is there as well" (Tessa was a world champion Athlete from the UK) "Ah yes "I said, "I remember her" 

Stan said, "well the javelin would be a dead giveaway, it will be easy to spot her with that!" Thank you Stan, thank you very feckin much! Hehehehehe